Countess_de_Mondago's Journal

Weeeellll.. its been a few days since I've posted anything and with good reason; I've been a bit busy. I worked the weekend, got sick last night, and have been sleeping on and off most of today. Right now, I'm currently tinkering with the idea of a webpage for some of my writings, and talking to some sweetheart that goes to Purdue. I'm still kind of pissed at the majority of people, but thats neither here nor there.
I'm not on IRC anymore because I've been k-lined for something that is beyond my ability to control.... so bleah

Current Mood: amused

overhaul iminent.
So a lot needs to change. My drunken idiocy Wednesday night and Thursday morning coupled with a conversation I had with the least likely of people has made me stop to think about a lot.
I've become far too concerned with what people think of me, and its given me more stress than I need. I shouldn't care what people think of me. If people don't like me for me, fuck them. I miss having philopsophical conversations like the ones Josh and I used to have a long time ago. I miss that kid. He's getting married, or so I've heard. I still feel bad about my drunken stupidity, but amazingly enough nobody really mentioned it much, so I guess it happens.
Somebody told me that all I need is a little bit of confidence. Maybe hes right.
Today is pay day. I'm canceling my haircut appointment again for Saturday. It needs to be cut though just not right now cuz I can't afford it. I want to start going tanning. But I'm sooo broke that won't happen for a while.
Too much on my mind. So much thought has been provoked in the last 24 hours. Its strange.....
more later. I'm bored and I need to go to sleep but its not gonna happen..

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: The Calling- Adrienne

Why do I keep on doing stupid shit? Why why why why why?!!?!
Its safe to say now that I am a complete fucking idiot.
I don't want to go to work. Not because I'm hungover, because I just want to be alone. I want to sit in a corner and cry. I feel like I'm going to puke up everything I've eaten in the last 5 years. Safe to say, that right now, I hate myself. Oh well. I'm sure everybody else does too.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Sense Field- Save Yourself

Ok... copy cat.. I got this idea from Jerrica and Dan... I'm bored. Ask me random questions.... anything you can think of =)

Well, its been another boring and uneventful day. There was a horrible accident out in front of my house this morning.. there was a car in front of the neighbor's tree and all sorts of shit. It really freaked my mom out, and the sound of the whole thing shook the house. I think in a few I'm gonna go up to work and see if the schedule is up for next week.. maybe say hi to Mike if hes working, and get gas on my way home. I think I'm going out tonight but I'm not sure. My life is boring, I know. So now I'm off to the shower, and then who knows. I want to drive around tonight, find something to do. I dunno... we'll see....

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Default- Again (Wasting My Time)

Joy and rapture and all that other shit
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself tonightbut I'm sure I'll be out and about. So far, I've spent the day researching, and at Office Max making copies of bankruptcy forms that it will take me fucking forever to fill out. Today has been a mix of good, bad, and horrible.
The good: I got to see Andy today after he got out of class... makes me want to go back to Purdue again, I miss it... I got to see Sarah this afternoon, I got to talk to Jake and I'll probably see Joe tonight. I get to keep my new car.
The bad: The realization that I'm going to be filing bankruptcy and my sorry ass is broke!
Lucas is coming home.... which is both good and bad, but mostly just disappointing.
The horrible: I'm broke, I'm not going to be able to get credit for a good long time, I'm fucking pathetic.... But at least I'm not dead.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: U2 -All I Want Is You

I don't know whether I'm happy, sad, disappointed, angry, scared or all of the above.

But I know that I'm not in a good mood.

Ahh!
What a relaxing day today was. I slept late like usual.. but I was on the phone until 6:30 am too, so it makes sense that I would sleep late. I went to put the ad in the paper for the Camaro, ate dinner with and saw my family, hung out with an old friend and went to Borders and out for coffee. Came home, got online, and now here I am.. I'm getting tired though so I'll probably sleep soon. I have to go to the library tomorrow and do some research... my broke ass is filing bankruptcy and I can't pay a lawyer so I have to do it on my own. Its still not free but its a hell of a lot cheaper than letting a lawyer do it. Andy is supposed to go with me when he gets out of class so I have to be awake relatively early so that I can pick him up at Purdue.
I was looking online at summer clothes today... oohhhh I am so losing 15 lbs. It is going to happen.

Its just like that.....
I'm tired but I can't sleep, again. And its too cold outside tonight to drive to the lake and sit on the breakwall, although that seems to be my place of choice lately. I'm getting kind of sick and tired of everything... tired of being broke and worrying about bills, tired of being alone, tired of being lonely, hell sometimes I'm even tired of being me. Tonight was boring for the most part... I worked til 8:00 and then I got sent home cuz I was over hours for the week....didn't bother me in the least cuz I felt like shit anyway. Yay! I have three days off starting.. well starting last night at 8 pm...

Giving up, walking away.
I give up.
Happiness is apparently something I'm not meant to know about. Its like fighting a battle you know you're never going to win against an opponent you know you'll never beat. So before I even invest my time, or my effort, or any fractured piece of whats left of my heart, I quit.
End. Fini. There is no more.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Depeche Mode-- Its No Good

So here I sit. I just got in from work a little while ago, and now I'm sitting here just trying to unwind and clear my head. I've got some serious shit raging through my brain tonight. And frankly I don't like any of it. I guess I thought I was ok. And I'm not. I feel like I'm never ever going to be happy.. I'm tired and alone, and I'm starting to feel like the background chatter to everybody else's night, like nobody ever takes me seriously or listens to anything I have to say. I'm lonely, and I'm sick of it. I want to fall in love. I'm not saying right now. But I'd like it to happen. I'm sick to death of not having someone to hold, someone to laugh with, someone to call at odd hours of the morning ' just to talk'. I miss that.

*sighs*
oh well.......

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: DMB- The Space Between

Ok. So apparently me speaking my mind seems to cause problems. People misunderstand, and even more drama ensues. I'm not going to sit here and justify my words to anyone that posts a comment. Thats the whole point of a *journal* its your own personal forum. Basically what I'm sayin is if you don't like it don't look. In less than 24 hours this thing has turned into the sounding board. So I'm going to straighten it out once and for all:
Lori- you're a sweet girl and someone I'd consider a friend. you don't have to feel bad about whats on your mind and in your heart; if other people don't like it and don't wanna hear it, fuck 'em.
Amers- many hugs. you're the most understated friend there is. many people have yet to see your greatness, but give them time, people are blind.
Aaron- i wasn't attacking you. i still want to be your friend, i still think you're a decent guy. i just think you do some dumb shit sometimes. but hey don't we all? keep your chin up kid.
Jerricah- i don't know you. you don't know me. more than enough said.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Depeche Mode-- Little 15

I started talking to an old IRC friend of mine from back in the day..and it brought back a shit load of memories from when I used to talk to him all the time and we used to joke about shit.. Made me realize how important he was to me and how much I miss him. But its never gonna be the same.

If you see this D, I miss you boy.....

I can't sleep.
I tried. I went out after I got done ranting on here and just drove to clear my head. I drove out to the Lake and parked my car, sat on the breakwall for the beach with my blue hoodie on and just contemplated the world. It was clear so I could see the Chicago skyline and the waves crashing was just so serene. I sat there until I got too cold and ended up coming home. I talked to Brian until almost 6... he's been trying to get me to come out with him for the last three days now and I'm a complete putz not to go with him, but something keeps on nagging me not to, and I don't quite know what. Beth and I are going back to Noll tonight to see 'Jesus Christ Superstar'. I know, I know, not something any of you would expect me to go and see but our theatre dept. did it when I was a freshman so I'm curious to see what its going to look like, plus a lot of the old crew is going to be there so it ought to be interesting. I'm excited. Maybe I'll try sleeping now, but I doubt it will work I still have too much bullshit on my mind.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: U2-Angel of Harlem

Don't take life too seriously... or for that matter, this....
Pull my pry me tear me apart
its all the same cuz you're walking on my heart
I'm sick of the anger and sick of your lies
Everytime I talk to you something in me dies
Right now all I want is no more than a friend
To hold me up when I fall and wipe my tears in the end
You expect to much from me, always wanting more
And I'd gladly give in, but I'm not a whore
Nights I stay awake and lie in my bed
Wondering if I'd be better off dead
Can't take the silence and can't stand the pain
Your voice and your image etched in my brain
Things won't work out you'd said with a sad smile
I offered to be there, and hold you a while
You pushed me away and broke what was left of my soul
Now I'm left inside with a black, empty hole
Where my heart used to beat so full of hope
I think I'd look better dangling from a length of rope.

I hate fake people. I never realized just how much until tonight. Rick is leaving sometime today I would imagine, or tomorrow at the very latest. I was supposed to go meet Brian tonight but I chickened out and ended up sleeping on one of my friend's couches til like 11:00 or something, drove around some more and came home. Got online and it all went downhill from there. It never fails to amaze me how much people piss me off. Its so easy to put on a mask and pretend to be someone's friend and act like you give a shit about them, but you're the first in line to put the knife in the back and stab them when they're not looking. Thats not cool. I'm also not a fan of people that use others. That shit just pisses me off to no end. You know who you are, too. You, the one who bitches about you're different and other guys give you a bad rep. Yeah my ass. Who are you better than? Nobody I've met. So kiss it.

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Petey Pablo- Raise Up

A new beginning
Well here it is the start of yet another journal. It seems like apparently the only way I can get any privacy is to hide my writings and hide my feelings and keep the bullshit away from my family. Which is nothing new its been this way for 22 years why should things change now? So yes this is where the new journal is, so I'll be emailing you and adding things to my friends lists..hopefully I'll get all of you back on my list where you belong. Anyway, more later.

Current Mood: aggravated

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